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Thursday, December 30, 2010

Gasping for Air

Take a deep breath.

Pull the covers off and stagger out.
Go through the system:
Wash, brush, gurgle, rinse, spit.
Throw myself into pretty clothes,
Pretty shoes, pretty perfume.
Pretty things to hide the disturbance.

Take a deep breath.
The Thought is still there. Always.

Drive to work, wander by passengers.
And it's all a shadow. The silhouette of truth.
Get there. Touch the desk and kiss the screen.
They know you best.
Heard so much, seen it all.

The music stands witness of the validity- of past moments.

Take a deep breath.
The thought lingers still. Always. Eminent.

Write. Work. Drink coffee.
I smoke again, now.
Breathe. Take a sharp breath.

The thought will not budge!

Go out. See friends. Drink. Smoke.
Think. Drink. Drink. Think. Think... Think.
Kiss all those lips and imagine.

Take a deep breath.
Take the thought to bed,
Fall in its sleep and dreamlessness. Disturbance.

Take a long breath. A sigh.
A gasp at the thought. The very Thought.


Thursday, December 23, 2010

Fields of ****/or ****/ or ****!

Revisit. The dissociated memories coming back together at one powerfully overwhelming moment.

They hit with such force as would knock you off your feet no matter how firm you think you are or have been standing. It just takes a simple trigger. Something you never thought would link these enormous worlds you had escaped (or thought you had escaped). Just one song. Or one picture. Or a note that got stuck between your desk and the wall. The silly little things that you would deem safe enough to keep and not throw miles away from you. The harmless remains.

You do realize that music is a force that's usually under-credited, right? I mean personally I have demons dwelling in one too many songs. But being the masochist that I am I always throw myself right in their path and when I get this horribly sick and painful feeling of being micro-dissected internally at levels that fall out of the reach of modern science and operations, I stay put, swimming in this "field of mold" instead of running for the hills and playing it safe.

I can give up on people. I can give up on trying. I can even possibly give up on hoping, on fighting... But never. ever. ever. give up on feeling. It's the one true and sure thing I have. It is pure and honest and does not usually require reciprocation. Reciprocation would be much appreciated and greatly enjoyed. But it's not a precondition. At least I have the feeling itself. and it is FULL- it is complete- it has achieved 100% status and is not something uncertain that hurts others or leads both me and them blindfolded until they've wandered off the cliff to certain destruction.

The world is kind somehow. It has to be. Looking at things for the first time we reject them, we dismiss them as unfair and scream and run away and campaign and set up blogs to write about them and, and, and... But what if were to give ourselves a little bit of peace- the one found in a deep breath? Could we find other elements that have been sent to lessen the impact of painful occurrences? Why do you think there are musical prodigies? To write up a song that will pull us from drowning in misery and lead us to shore. To give us the memory that's stuck between the wall and the desk. Unlike yours truly, some things have a purpose for existing.
At least I need to have that belief for reassurance.

But always remember, that which you may be swimming happily in at a given time, collecting little harmlessnesses- memories- without knowing it, will eventually come back to haunt you at another. When that happens, brace yourself and confront it because it is a form of worship. A beautifully achingly nostalgic one.

Ain- What the heck? Here's to life.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Go Let It Out

Here's a genuine thought. The whole "everything happens for a reason" logic is absolutely ridiculous.
And I'll tell you why. If it's meant to make people feel hopeful and look on the brighter side of things- IT DOESN'T!

Seriously, when we're up against a brick wall at work or our private life or anywhere else for that matter, do we honestly get the feeling of "Hmmm, yes, I'm glad I lost a multi-million dollar deal. It MUST mean that while I would have been financially better off and given my entire family security and moved up in this world, I most probably would have suffered for it"? NO- WE DON'T! If a woman is left standing at the altar, or a man finds out his wife is cheating on him with his brother or best friend or the gardner, if a couple lose a child to cancer or heart disease or have a miscarriage, if an old man loses his wife, if a kid doesn't get a bike for christmas- will they stop and look on the brighter things in life? I don't think so. I just don't believe anyone's that friggin positive and optimistic. We all hurt when we don't get what we want, and we hurt even more when we lose what we want and already had. And it friggin kills when you settle for the minimum in everything and you're humble in your expectations but hard working in pursuit AND THEN EVEN THE MINIMUM SLIPS OUT OF YOUR HANDS. Except maybe the kid with the bike. The reason in his case is money- cheap parents or hard up parents.

Everything happens for a reason. Sure it does, and the reason is for you to suffer and burn and crash. And please, all the "artist" who draw creation from their experience, well good for them, we're not all artists. We're laymen. Laymen trying to make ends meet, and the ends are similar in polarity and all the force in the world won't make them meet.

So, dear whoever came up with the "everything happens for a reason" crap, spare us the BS. And spare us your sickening dose of optimism. And while you're at it, call your friend who came up with "what doesn't kill you make you stronger" and tell him there are some of us out there who are ready to maim, hurt, dismember, neuter, and torch him, but not fatally- purely for the scientific purposes of testing the accuracy of his statement. I'd like to see how STRONGER he'd be if he becomes a blind, incapacitated quadrapligic.

BUT! We absolutely MUST and SHOULD stay positive and hope for the best. Hope for the best and plan for the worse. Yes. Because that makes sense of course. Be bi-polar in dealing with day to day events.

I shouldn't write when I'm on too much caffeine on a bad day.