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Saturday, September 3, 2011

Mania

It starts with you hurting yourself and tormenting yourself and turning yourself... into a monster. The type that can't learn when to stop, when to stop itself from hurting itself.

You abandon what shreds of sanity you had left and dive into the whim.

It's innocent! It's only innocent when no one knows. But you know.
Then it becomes a habit. Then you need to do it more often. Then it becomes an addiction.

You are astounded and intimidated by all the other people. They are taller. They are prettier. They are better. You want to know about them. You need to follow, to lurk, to learn so that you can understand. Or is that just what you're saying to yourself?

No, no, no!!! There really needs to be a reason! You need to understand. Why. And why not! Where were you incompetent? Where were you below standards? Does it even matter? Your reflection in the mirror will not say anything better back at you.

Your friends say, and mean it too, that you are fine, you are lovely and amazing and oh so bloody wonderful. They do not know. They do not see. They do not understand and therefore they cannot address it properly. It's just not true. Not correct. Definitely not accurate. No... No, no!!!

And by coincidence. You find out about things. Things you were better off not knowing. Things that prove to you on every level of fear you tried to push deep, deep, so deep down- that you are incompetent. You are below standards. You were right as always.

So you set to work. Busy, busy, busy! You get knots in your stomach just by looking. Your eyes dry up because you need every fraction of a second to LOOK. To see... Do you see? Is that vitriol? Or has your self-loathing gotten too great? so great in fact to overcome you? You need to read. Need to see! Need to watch. Think-Think-Think-Think. Calculate. Analyze. Rewind, replay and retry. So much material to take in.

Your breathing alters. Your muscles tense and your adrenaline flows in rivers. You are immobile. You are frozen to the pit by a destructive flame. Jealous, are you? Of course. You are weak... You are pathetic! More images, more lines. More reasons! More calculations.

Ah look at you. As sorry as you ever were. And you try to hide it with a painted on facade. But you know, don't you? You ARE that monster. Your palms are hurting you- your nails attacking them.

The monster is creeping up your boneless spine. He is saying things, without words. And you agree and understand. It is pushing you to the limits. No,no,no,no...

You are a coward. Even in the most cowardly of acts. You set a new low. You back up.

STOP! STOP!!!! JUST STOP-PLEASE!
Close your eyes and transport. Think of other things. Cotton candy! A new car, or the attractive neighbor. Find one good thing about yourself. ONE! There must be something. Keep your eyes closed. Talk to me! Talk, speak! Utter a syllable. You're OK. One thing. Just one.

It's fine. You're fine! You're safe. Slow your breathing. It's over.
It's gone. The monster is gone.

Answer your phone. Wake up. Wake up...
Please. Just wake up!

Thursday, September 1, 2011

The Hole

I have always believed that living things cannot live or function in isolation, not for long anyway. I specifically remember the very night and moment I came to that realization. I was with one of my closest friends, someone I hadn't seen in a while, and we were at the Corniche in Beirut, it was winter, dark, cold, and we were out walking in the dark, cold and very wet winter corniche.

And I remember hugging him very tightly and holding on... Those who know me will think "Yeah, but you are a hugs freak. You feed on hug-energy" and it might be true, but at that very moment I realized how we are capable of maintaining bonds with people even if don't see them that often or enough.

Affection. We NEED that to push us on. If someone is mourning, it is enough for them to get a phone call, a pat on the shoulder, or a hug even, to feel that they are not alone... To feel that that hole that's appeared somewhere below the diaphragm and above the stomach can actually be sealed and healed! With affection- both by giving and receiving affection.

And I'll tell you something else- those who try to sustain a life (or an excuse of a life) without affection, are usually the assholes and jerks we come across in life. Those who try to function in isolation, lose touch with being humane. And I'm not being judgmental here, but I'm being realistic. Those who suffer from relationships (with boyfriends and girlfriends, with friends or especially with family) those become this unstable muddy version of what a person can and should be.

We all need a bit of affection for crying out loud! We weren't destined for singlehood. So it doesn't make you a jerk if you are in a long distance relationship with someone for seven years, with both of you having occasional people walking through your lives. Well maybe we the spectators won't agree or condone such hedonistic behavior, but then again to hell with us. What do we know? We're not the people trying to make something impossible work!
It doesn't make you nuts, either, if you think and feel that you might have found love lurking in the most unlikely of corners. Come on! Why even try and analyse or make sense of something you feel naturally?

Affection. And I'm not talking about love; that other terrific dangerously sweeping tornado. No I'm just talking about affection. That little something that you put under your tongue to make it through just a little bit more of the hell you wind up in. Like a life tic-tac. (You still eventually need to brush and floss!)

We are tired. Tired, scared, and lonely creatures. Tired of being scared of ending up alone. So why NOT suck and steal affection? Our friends can give it, our families, our pets. Anyone! Do you remember a couple of years back there was that "Free Hug" campaign on youtube? It was so incredibly touching to watch that video and see what a little bit of free unexpected affection did to people. You could see people crying and momentarily falling apart- because they are/were THAT lonley...

This might come off as disassociated late night ranting. But for those who have been working hard all their lives to help others, who have been selfless for the sake of others, for those who have hidden in isolation because they prefer safety to uncalculated risks, for those who have grown bitter with disappointment and pain, for those who are not fine, who are distant and can't afford to care, or who have just given up on emotions by slowly melting into details... For all of these friends and people in general, this is all just temporary! Sooner or later, that scary Hole will materialize in us. And when that happens I hope we'll be able to keep the sane head on to realize that we are not alone. Not ever.

There will always be someone who cares. Wait- correction: there will always be someone who care about us more than we care for ourselves. I'm willing to be the affectionate glue-hug when needed :) It would really be nice though (and helpful), if we end up keeping those affectionate bombs nearby. Just in case...

Life can, and most probably will, suck most the times. But instead of just leaching off the good times, why not make the bad times bearable as well? It's not that crazy!
We could all do with a little more "life".

In the words of Kaki King:
"You don't have to be afraid of the pain that's inside you"

Good night and adieu!

Monday, August 22, 2011

To The Sea

Someone to take out to sea
Where we can sit and stare, and sweat under the sun.
Hands locked and eyes outstretched
With mutual disks of regret and memories playing in the background.
Someone who wants to be free
Who’s been hidden in slavery
To appreciate the escape we find in the sea.
Who tells wonders and feeds my appetite
With bright red tales of how he came to be
Someone who sees as far as my eye decrees.
Someone to whirl and spin and destroy
To build and harbor like the placid sea.
To sway and hold and push and fight
To feel and fear and hope and hope…
With scars and bruises and healing cuts
With thoughts and nooses and a heart that is brave.
Can you see? What I need to take to sea?
Someone who is human. A Titan. A fisherman.
A man. A truth.
Someone to belong to. Someone like me.
To take to sea!

Friday, July 29, 2011

Good Vibes

At this very and exact moment in time, the author of this soon to be work of optimistic art,is riding the happy wave. I feel so full of good energy that I’ve decided to start an e-healing program.

It includes the following. Moi writing this annoyingly optimistic material and you – on the other side of the table, office, building, town, city, country, continent, or even world – receiving it and thinking what the hell is this moron on? And how can I e-get some?

And I will then say upon you: Time of Your Life by Greenday, and also consider the following.

And now for the details: So you had a bad day or week or month or life or whatever time you wish to extend your misery over. SO WHAT? It doesn’t need to contaminate the rest of your months or days or life (or that of the people around you, geez enough with the sulking already!)

Learn to let go and simplify things there hun, cause they won’t do it for ya!
Forgive and forget: All the shit people did to you – friends, colleagues, family or other. Karma’s already made plans for them and their unsuspecting behinds ;) So throw as far behind your back as your elbow /shoulder would allow.
Live it up a little: Stuck in traffic? SING LIKE A MORON UNTIL VEINS POP OUT ON UR FOREHEAD! Working in a cubicle with stinky noisy colleagues? Earphones help and so does Glade. (I also find that cha-cha-cha-ing in the kitchen while mixing your ordered salad to be VERY helpful and it also ensures you some peace, resulting from you looking like a complete idiot.)

Seriously, live it up a little: Someone you know is depressing the crap out of you? SING LIKE A MORON UNTIL VEINS POP OUT ON THEIR FOREHEAD. And a little booty shakin goes a long way trust me. When all else fails use a vodka bottle- to hit them on their head with. Chances are when they come around they’ll be feeling dizzy enough to get their mind off things.

Goof around, think what would I NEVER do, and do it! Sure, it sounds like the recipe for social decline and suicide, but like that cheesy sentence goes: “Those who care don’t matter, and those who matter don’t care.” (Review above mentioned salad mix cha-cha-cha dance.)

If you drink, indulge in the occasional or frequent alcohol, it seriously is a mood adjuster when handled reasonably. – But stay off drugs, and in school. And by the way, the more alcohol you drink, the louder you get. Which in my case, is not reasonable because I already am an incredibly loud talker (possibly due to poor hearing, I’ll never find out.) So this means, the more you drink, the louder you get, the more steam you’re blowing off. Although I’m not sure you’ll be able to make much sense. (Well we can’t win them all).

Feeling like you’re floundering about aimlessly in life with no purpose? Well guess what? SO ARE MOST OF US! The people who (think or pretend to) have a plan are the people most likely to feel drained and empty and shallow at the end of their run. Those who take it as it comes, are living it up to the max. You don’t need to have a trajectory  Just try and make the most of the places you land and discover all the wonderful and not so wonderful things they have to offer. That alone is enough purpose! It’s called LIVING.

Next, you have a shitload of problems and tasks and the entire world is falling apart all around you and you are the acting glue holding it together? Good on you. How many people do you know can struggle like that and face everything head on in utter style and still keep their chin up? (Besides, you tell a story like that to people, and girls will be lining up to help A-N-Y- W-A-Y- they can!)

What else? You’re always moving forward and leaving people behind? They will always wait for you no matter how far you go. If they care, they’ll always have a place for you in their hearts. And if they’re leaving than you’re better off without them. They’re only leaving to make room for better people to come along your way. Some might even leave notes on your car and make you smile.

And finally. You’re slaving away at a dead end job? Feeling unappreciated? Scared of leaving your post and being unemployed? Well guess what? Things will always resolve themselves. So don’t be afraid of taking a leap of faith into the unknown, and into the people that surround you. You might very well be surprised. And with difficult bosses, I’ve found that more often than not, the difficulty comes from the fact that they are idiots. Treat them accordingly, like you would a mental retard. And watch your career blossom into more brilliant things.

All I’m trying to get to is: it’s ok to smile and to laugh and crack up. Even in the darker moments. Nothing else can fix things like a good dose of smiles. MOLAR TO MOLAR like someone dear said. :D CHEEEEEEEEEEESE


To Sunshine, For Encouragement.
Lama

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

B.S.: I Love You

There should be a limit to the amount of bullshit people are allowed to produce and contaminate other people with.

This should hold true for all of us- please note that I have included myself in this category of bullshitters. Regardless of the reasons that push us to paint painfully unbelievable pictures for others to dwell on and fall victim for, we should maybe allow for bullshit that is unsaturated- kinda like skimmed Bullshit if you will.

I am proud to say that while I still bullshit (in my case out of a need to avoid causing pain unto myself and others) I have at least reached a state where, as a rule, I do not bullshit more than twice a day.

Whereas most of the people that have started to really tumble from that ridiculously high pillar I had perched them on, have no measure or limit to the amount of bullshit- creative or otherwise- that they can come up with! And what's worse, what reallyyyy drives this donkey off the cliff, is that they in all honesty believe that the gullible audiences at their feet are falling for it.

So NO, you had no intention of meeting that deadline, and no you do not like your mother in law's new curtains, and I'll be damned if you had even thought of calling up your friends or visiting someone at the hospital or listening to some track someone recommended or read an article someone suggested. You also are not as tormented as you think you are, or pretend to be. Life is not a painful experience, its actually a playful one. So stop blaming time (or the lack thereof) and circumstances and other people. And come to grip with the following fact: you just can't be bothered. So why not just say so? WE CAN'T BE BOTHERED!

I can't be bothered to play the game, or the field. To meet people and pretend to want to make the effort of digging into a seemingly shallow surface to maybe find some depth. I can't be bothered listening to people who will ask you for your advice, and lament (yes like in the melodramas of "woe unto them") and then take their same pathetic story elsewhere and beg for the attention you just full-heartedly gave.

We are lonely. We can't get any lonelier or isolated I swear on all that is non-bullshit infected in this world that this is true. So for crying out loud, have the ba--- guts to be honest! Try a little truth. It's good for you. And for all of us.

B.S.: I Love You ;)

Sunday, June 12, 2011

شوية شي

من الشيم والحركات يللي ربينا عليا بهالدول العربية هي الرجولة والذكورية. ضروري نكون ونحِس ونعيش بقوة. الرجال ما بيبكي والمرا بدا تتحمل والولاد لازم يفهموا والشعب لازم يناضل. يعني مش تاركينلنا مجال غير انو نكون ذكور هالايام.

اي لأ. مش القوة والعصب المعدني هو يللي ب خللي الانسان - او الانسانة حتى- يكون "رجّال". لا يا عيني، وين رحتوا بالحنية؟ وبالرقة؟ وبالشفقة؟ انو ب شرفكون ايمتا سمعتوا او شفتوا بلدوزر بشري طاحش عالخليقة بلا احساس وبلا اي نوع من الصلة مع الاخرين، وكان هيدا الوحش الضاري هو مدعاة للفخر او انو للاحترام مثلا؟ (الا بالمسلسلات التركية او السورية - الرجاء مراجعة مسلسل باب الحارة بجميع اجزائه)؟

شوفو شو الفكرة: الانسان كتير هين انو يفصل مشاعروا ويكبها مدري وين. كتير هيني انك يا استاذ ويا انسة (او مدام، يللي هوي) انكن تقَسوا قلبكن وتشدوا حالكن وتستصغروا مشاعر "الضعف" عند الغير. هيدي مش مرجلة. المرجلة انكن تعرفوا هيدوليك الاحاسيس هني فعلا شو وتعرفوا وين تستعملوها، وتفهموا انا مش تافهة بالعكس! هي المُعرّفة للانسانية ولعدم البولدوزرية. وهي يللي بتصنع اصحاب همم.

القوة هي انكن تعرفوا ايمتا تكونوا ضعاف. وايمتا تقووا مقابيل الضعاف. لأنوا الدني دولاب وهالدولاب الرائع الا ما يبرم ويغطسلوا ب شي جورة مي. واذا انتوا كنتوا حديد ومعدن، حا تصَدوا مع الوقت ومش حا تستفيدوا من معدنكن ب شي.

مش عم شجع الذكور يروحوا يولولو متل المفجوعات ولا عم قول للحريم انخسعوا، بس بيسوى العالم ترجع تحس ببعضا. وترجع تحس يا عمي... هالدني كل ما عم بتصير قاسية وباردة وميتة... العالم عم بتعيش لنفسا ولك حتى الامهات بطلت تعيش لولادا. كيف بدو يكون في اوادم وناس نظيفة وقلبا من جوا حلو، اذا عم نضل نعلم ضد الاحساس وضد الانشراح وضد الروح بالمطلق؟


وبيبقى نذكر اغنية اجنبية, ويللي بتقول :


... Just think of those, out in the cold and dark, cause there's not enough love to go 'round...

دايمة

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Process Letter

Dear individuals,

Welcome to the global factory- the international norm for behavior where you will be fed processed information in the dozen, in compressed and concentrated amounts.

The processed information above mentioned shall range from politics and country history to random acts and facts of love and love making.

We do not support or encourage you, dear individual, to be in anyway original or an innovator. On the contrary, we at the global factory love "the box": we like you to feel comfortable within its boundaries and to never wish to rise to a level of non-boxiness. Therefore do not attempt to think outside it, or wonder what lies on the other side of its cardboard walls. The truth beyond said walls is bleak, scary, unstable and smells of burnt cabbage on Sunday afternoons!

Our Preliminary classes shall be as follows:

Mondays: False Reality and Pretense Exchange for individuals.
Tuesday: How to kill braincells 101
Wednesdays: Urban heroism and early literature
Thursdays: Faking compassion and other noble feelings.
Fridays: Recreational Activities. (These will include but not be limited to: Nap time, pheromone releasing dances, Art and Culture: Why Rembrandt Fails in modern day culture... etc A list of available attractions shall be posted up on the outside of toilet doors at the factory>)
Saturdays: Hands-on application of above mentioned courses.
Sundays: (Fornication at )the beach, clubs, family lunches, baptisms, funerals, and other such social gatherings.

Tuition will not be mandatory as we WILL be extracting the fees from your soul and life force making you a shallow miserable mono-dimensional push over or goat or bull(according to preference and disposition) so that you may fit in like a hot knife slicing through swiss butter.

For counseling do not hesitate to refer to the dummies pin-stuck to the black board.

Sincerely,

We Screw Generations Organization (WS-GO)
Highly activating member of board

L.N.

P.s.: special packages available for creative thinkers, outstanding children, artists, geniuses and other deformed individuals.