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Saturday, September 3, 2011

Mania

It starts with you hurting yourself and tormenting yourself and turning yourself... into a monster. The type that can't learn when to stop, when to stop itself from hurting itself.

You abandon what shreds of sanity you had left and dive into the whim.

It's innocent! It's only innocent when no one knows. But you know.
Then it becomes a habit. Then you need to do it more often. Then it becomes an addiction.

You are astounded and intimidated by all the other people. They are taller. They are prettier. They are better. You want to know about them. You need to follow, to lurk, to learn so that you can understand. Or is that just what you're saying to yourself?

No, no, no!!! There really needs to be a reason! You need to understand. Why. And why not! Where were you incompetent? Where were you below standards? Does it even matter? Your reflection in the mirror will not say anything better back at you.

Your friends say, and mean it too, that you are fine, you are lovely and amazing and oh so bloody wonderful. They do not know. They do not see. They do not understand and therefore they cannot address it properly. It's just not true. Not correct. Definitely not accurate. No... No, no!!!

And by coincidence. You find out about things. Things you were better off not knowing. Things that prove to you on every level of fear you tried to push deep, deep, so deep down- that you are incompetent. You are below standards. You were right as always.

So you set to work. Busy, busy, busy! You get knots in your stomach just by looking. Your eyes dry up because you need every fraction of a second to LOOK. To see... Do you see? Is that vitriol? Or has your self-loathing gotten too great? so great in fact to overcome you? You need to read. Need to see! Need to watch. Think-Think-Think-Think. Calculate. Analyze. Rewind, replay and retry. So much material to take in.

Your breathing alters. Your muscles tense and your adrenaline flows in rivers. You are immobile. You are frozen to the pit by a destructive flame. Jealous, are you? Of course. You are weak... You are pathetic! More images, more lines. More reasons! More calculations.

Ah look at you. As sorry as you ever were. And you try to hide it with a painted on facade. But you know, don't you? You ARE that monster. Your palms are hurting you- your nails attacking them.

The monster is creeping up your boneless spine. He is saying things, without words. And you agree and understand. It is pushing you to the limits. No,no,no,no...

You are a coward. Even in the most cowardly of acts. You set a new low. You back up.

STOP! STOP!!!! JUST STOP-PLEASE!
Close your eyes and transport. Think of other things. Cotton candy! A new car, or the attractive neighbor. Find one good thing about yourself. ONE! There must be something. Keep your eyes closed. Talk to me! Talk, speak! Utter a syllable. You're OK. One thing. Just one.

It's fine. You're fine! You're safe. Slow your breathing. It's over.
It's gone. The monster is gone.

Answer your phone. Wake up. Wake up...
Please. Just wake up!

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