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Saturday, September 3, 2011

Mania

It starts with you hurting yourself and tormenting yourself and turning yourself... into a monster. The type that can't learn when to stop, when to stop itself from hurting itself.

You abandon what shreds of sanity you had left and dive into the whim.

It's innocent! It's only innocent when no one knows. But you know.
Then it becomes a habit. Then you need to do it more often. Then it becomes an addiction.

You are astounded and intimidated by all the other people. They are taller. They are prettier. They are better. You want to know about them. You need to follow, to lurk, to learn so that you can understand. Or is that just what you're saying to yourself?

No, no, no!!! There really needs to be a reason! You need to understand. Why. And why not! Where were you incompetent? Where were you below standards? Does it even matter? Your reflection in the mirror will not say anything better back at you.

Your friends say, and mean it too, that you are fine, you are lovely and amazing and oh so bloody wonderful. They do not know. They do not see. They do not understand and therefore they cannot address it properly. It's just not true. Not correct. Definitely not accurate. No... No, no!!!

And by coincidence. You find out about things. Things you were better off not knowing. Things that prove to you on every level of fear you tried to push deep, deep, so deep down- that you are incompetent. You are below standards. You were right as always.

So you set to work. Busy, busy, busy! You get knots in your stomach just by looking. Your eyes dry up because you need every fraction of a second to LOOK. To see... Do you see? Is that vitriol? Or has your self-loathing gotten too great? so great in fact to overcome you? You need to read. Need to see! Need to watch. Think-Think-Think-Think. Calculate. Analyze. Rewind, replay and retry. So much material to take in.

Your breathing alters. Your muscles tense and your adrenaline flows in rivers. You are immobile. You are frozen to the pit by a destructive flame. Jealous, are you? Of course. You are weak... You are pathetic! More images, more lines. More reasons! More calculations.

Ah look at you. As sorry as you ever were. And you try to hide it with a painted on facade. But you know, don't you? You ARE that monster. Your palms are hurting you- your nails attacking them.

The monster is creeping up your boneless spine. He is saying things, without words. And you agree and understand. It is pushing you to the limits. No,no,no,no...

You are a coward. Even in the most cowardly of acts. You set a new low. You back up.

STOP! STOP!!!! JUST STOP-PLEASE!
Close your eyes and transport. Think of other things. Cotton candy! A new car, or the attractive neighbor. Find one good thing about yourself. ONE! There must be something. Keep your eyes closed. Talk to me! Talk, speak! Utter a syllable. You're OK. One thing. Just one.

It's fine. You're fine! You're safe. Slow your breathing. It's over.
It's gone. The monster is gone.

Answer your phone. Wake up. Wake up...
Please. Just wake up!

Thursday, September 1, 2011

The Hole

I have always believed that living things cannot live or function in isolation, not for long anyway. I specifically remember the very night and moment I came to that realization. I was with one of my closest friends, someone I hadn't seen in a while, and we were at the Corniche in Beirut, it was winter, dark, cold, and we were out walking in the dark, cold and very wet winter corniche.

And I remember hugging him very tightly and holding on... Those who know me will think "Yeah, but you are a hugs freak. You feed on hug-energy" and it might be true, but at that very moment I realized how we are capable of maintaining bonds with people even if don't see them that often or enough.

Affection. We NEED that to push us on. If someone is mourning, it is enough for them to get a phone call, a pat on the shoulder, or a hug even, to feel that they are not alone... To feel that that hole that's appeared somewhere below the diaphragm and above the stomach can actually be sealed and healed! With affection- both by giving and receiving affection.

And I'll tell you something else- those who try to sustain a life (or an excuse of a life) without affection, are usually the assholes and jerks we come across in life. Those who try to function in isolation, lose touch with being humane. And I'm not being judgmental here, but I'm being realistic. Those who suffer from relationships (with boyfriends and girlfriends, with friends or especially with family) those become this unstable muddy version of what a person can and should be.

We all need a bit of affection for crying out loud! We weren't destined for singlehood. So it doesn't make you a jerk if you are in a long distance relationship with someone for seven years, with both of you having occasional people walking through your lives. Well maybe we the spectators won't agree or condone such hedonistic behavior, but then again to hell with us. What do we know? We're not the people trying to make something impossible work!
It doesn't make you nuts, either, if you think and feel that you might have found love lurking in the most unlikely of corners. Come on! Why even try and analyse or make sense of something you feel naturally?

Affection. And I'm not talking about love; that other terrific dangerously sweeping tornado. No I'm just talking about affection. That little something that you put under your tongue to make it through just a little bit more of the hell you wind up in. Like a life tic-tac. (You still eventually need to brush and floss!)

We are tired. Tired, scared, and lonely creatures. Tired of being scared of ending up alone. So why NOT suck and steal affection? Our friends can give it, our families, our pets. Anyone! Do you remember a couple of years back there was that "Free Hug" campaign on youtube? It was so incredibly touching to watch that video and see what a little bit of free unexpected affection did to people. You could see people crying and momentarily falling apart- because they are/were THAT lonley...

This might come off as disassociated late night ranting. But for those who have been working hard all their lives to help others, who have been selfless for the sake of others, for those who have hidden in isolation because they prefer safety to uncalculated risks, for those who have grown bitter with disappointment and pain, for those who are not fine, who are distant and can't afford to care, or who have just given up on emotions by slowly melting into details... For all of these friends and people in general, this is all just temporary! Sooner or later, that scary Hole will materialize in us. And when that happens I hope we'll be able to keep the sane head on to realize that we are not alone. Not ever.

There will always be someone who cares. Wait- correction: there will always be someone who care about us more than we care for ourselves. I'm willing to be the affectionate glue-hug when needed :) It would really be nice though (and helpful), if we end up keeping those affectionate bombs nearby. Just in case...

Life can, and most probably will, suck most the times. But instead of just leaching off the good times, why not make the bad times bearable as well? It's not that crazy!
We could all do with a little more "life".

In the words of Kaki King:
"You don't have to be afraid of the pain that's inside you"

Good night and adieu!